I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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