I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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