sarcasm needs its own font
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
