I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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