how can u be prego again
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
