that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
