A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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