The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize