Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
