Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
