No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I love you.
Bad choice
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