There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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