My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
