Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
