I don't usually arrange sex via text message
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
