Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
