I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize