I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
