WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
