some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
