haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
