'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
