I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this just has baby written all over it
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
