The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
