Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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