Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
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Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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