Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
