I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
