eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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