Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
