She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
