I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
