First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
