he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's get the cat blown out
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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