I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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