We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
