walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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