I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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