Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
