I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
