I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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