Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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