Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
