I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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