Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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