Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
