We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
