we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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