Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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