I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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