You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
