Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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