your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
