Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
