I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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