then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
