Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
