why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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