saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
