i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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