hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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