im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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